One tear

I think about you more than I thought I would. I allowed myself to shed one tear over you today...

...But, just one.

I hope you're doing alright. I know I am not the first person who is going to get to talk to you, but I hope we have our moment. I know I understand you more than you gave me credit for. I think you see that now. I can't help but think about the night you left. I don't know what or who visited me that night, but I was scared. If it was you, I am sorry I wasn't brave enough to handle it. At that moment I was worried about you being alone and hurt. I don't think I slept an ounce that night. I wanted to help you, hold you, and protect you. I was worried something dangerous in the wilderness had gotten you. I never imagined I needed to protect you from yourself. When I found out, I was almost relieved. At least you had your agency and had full control over your outcome...I of course dislike what you decided to do with it. But that is what agency is all about I guess. 

In other news, Chris and I are writing a song. I am not very good at it, but I am trying. I think you would be proud of us for even attempting. I haven't listened to your music yet. I really want to, but I guess its still not done. I am still mad at you. I want to praise you, and be understanding, but I also don't want to reward you. You made the wrong choice. I am sure you know that. It will just take time for me.  I didn't even know until your memorial you cared about me. That makes me sad. I also wanted to bond more with you, but thought you weren't interested. I thought I was only getting your attention because I married your friend. 

We will have our moment...until then, I love you Jared.